Most people become avoidant, choosing to
“let it blow over”. Others become
confrontational, yelling and losing their
cool. Since experiencing conflict is
normal...wouldn’t you like to have better
skills than yelling or hiding?
Consider the avoidant personality. Most of
these individuals are not comfortable
communicating with others about problems and
conflict. They choose instead to ignore it,
expecting it to go away. Sadly, even if the
current problem does “go away”, the
avoidance tarnishes the relationship by
leaving the disagreement or problem
unresolved. Issues left unresolved in this
manner not only re-surface, but typically do
so in an even more dramatic way. This is the
opposite of what the avoidant personality
wants, but is the direct result of his/her
actions.
What
about the confrontational problem-solver? He
or she typically deals with conflicts in an
aggressive way: using a raised voice or
making demands on others. This personality
often uses intimidation to “solve”
conflicts, or he/she may attempt to engage
other individuals in a heated debate. Again,
this behavior often leads to the opposite
result of what is desired. The common
response to this behavior is akin to
avoidance. As this person becomes the
de-facto bully, others try to avoid him/her.
They become harder to engage, and the
confrontational person becomes further
frustrated.
So what do you do?
First, be
aware of the dichotomy above. If you push
too hard, they may step back; if you keep
moving away, you’re encouraging their
approach.
Second,
take stock of your instincts and your
situation:
Are you
confrontational? Try to ease up on your
approach. Ask others to voice their
thoughts/concerns.
Do you
tend to be avoidant? Work on your ability
to approach others. Likewise, be willing
to listen to them when they approach you.
As you make
these small changes, you will notice a
change in those around you too. You can
begin improving your communication and your
understanding of others, and ultimately,
that will help you not only resolve
conflicts, but prevent them from occurring
in the first place.
What
about the confrontational problem-solver? He
or she typically deals with conflicts in an
aggressive way: using a raised voice or
making demands on others. This personality
often uses intimidation to “solve”
conflicts, or he/she may attempt to engage
other individuals in a heated debate. Again,
this behavior often leads to the opposite
result of what is desired. The common
response to this behavior is akin to
avoidance. As this person becomes the
de-facto bully, others try to avoid him/her.
They become harder to engage, and the
confrontational person becomes further
frustrated.